Yes, Virginia, there are awful Christmas songs

Now that my beloved collection of Christmas music has been tucked away until next November 1st, I’ve been thinking about some of the holiday tunes that I’m glad I don’t have on my playlist. “Is that possible?” you ask. “Does Christmas music exist that she doesn’t like?” Well, I’m here to tell you the awful truth. Yes. There is Christmas music out there that I don’t like. Can’t stand, actually. And here are my top five least-liked Christmas songs, from hated to most excruciatingly hated.

5. Any Christmas song that’s “phoned in” by a pop singer. Okay, I’m breaking my own rule here by listing a genre rather than a song. But there are just too many to name individually. I hear them all over the radio. Popular (for now) Auto-Tuned singers who spend a couple of days recording Christmas songs without any care or feeling. They’re just cashing in on the holiday music industry with a few vocal gyrations and some jingle bells thrown into the background. Unfortunately, their teenybopper fans take the bait. Shudder.
4. “Little Saint Nick.” This is such a cheater song by the Beach Boys. It’s just “Little Deuce Coupe” with different words and jingle bells thrown in (see #5). And it’s highly annoying.
3. “Christmas Canon.” Speaking of annoying, this Trans-Siberian round sticks in my head in a really, really bad way. I hear it once, and for the rest of the day all I have clanging around in my head is those robotic kids chanting, “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,” and “On this night, on this night, on this merry Christmas night, on this night, on this night . . .” ad nauseam. It helps me understand how Husband feels about “It’s a Small World.”
2. “O Holy Night.” I know, I know. I’m sure some of you are frantically sending me links to your favorite Christmas hymn to try to convert me. Sorry, don’t even try. It won’t work. This song has a beautiful message. But the famous melody is not about the meaning—it’s about the performer. This song doesn’t say, “Listen to this humble and sacred message.” It says, “Listen to ME! This is all about ME and my booming range and operatic vibrato!” To make matters worse, the only people who can sing this song without damaging a dog’s hearing are people with perfect pitch. And 99% of people who sing it (including professionals) don’t have that little skill. When I see this song on a program at a church service I desperately want to excuse myself. Aside from the choir boys at Cambridge, there is NO church choir that should be attempting this overly popular number.
1. The shoe song. I don’t know who sings this or what the real title is, but this is the one song that makes me simultaneously whack at the radio button, scream, “AAAARRRGGHH!” and throw up a little in my mouth. All while driving. You must have heard this song at some unfortunate point in your life. A cloying kid, a dying mother, something about shoes, and they even made a sappy Lifetime movie out of the song. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it anymore because it makes my blood pressure go up, and I need to be careful with that these days.

So there you have it. My top five (or so) most disliked Christmas songs. And now I don’t have to think about them for a year.

[deep breath] Aaahhhhh.